Man accused of stealing Tim Allen’s Chevy Impala

DENVER (AP) — A man suspected of stealing one of Tim Allen‘s custom cars says the comedian left the keys so he could drive it to Denver.

Denver police spokesman Sonny Jackson said Monday that 34-year-old Faustino Ibarra is being held without bond while awaiting extradition to California after his arrest on Saturday.

In a jailhouse interview with KDVR-TV (http://bit.ly/TpJirK ), Ibarra claimed Allen adopted him years ago. Jackson said there is no evidence of any adoption.

Ibarra said Allen had left the door to his garage open along with the keys.

Police confirmed that the customized 1996 Chevrolet Impala SS belonged to the “Home Improvement” star but said it hadn’t yet been reported stolen when it turned up in Denver.

Allen’s publicist Marleah (mar-LEE-uh) Leslie said she wouldn’t comment because it’s a police matter.

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Books: Woe Is Syphilis, and Other Afflictions of Famous Writers

The old Irishman was a swollen, wheezing mess, blood pressure wildly out of control, kidneys failing, heart fibrillating. “What we have here,” said his new Spanish doctor, “is an antique cardiorenal sclerotic of advanced years.”

In fact, what the doctor had there was William Butler Yeats: the poet had a long list of chronic medical problems and experienced one of his regular cardiac crises while wintering in Spain. He still had three poetically productive years ahead of him before he died of heart failure in 1939, at age 73.

What makes antique case histories like Yeats’s so compelling to research, so interesting to read? Admittedly, they have educational value — medicine moves forward by looking back — but their major attraction is undoubtedly the operatic vigor of their emotional punch. As we contemplate the poor health of historic notables, we can sigh gustily at the immense suffering our ancestors considered routine, wince at the lunatic treatments they so innocently underwent, and marvel over and over again that the body, the brain and the mind can take such divergent paths.

These pleasures are present in abundance in the newest addition to the genre of medical biography, “Shakespeare’s Tremor and Orwell’s Cough.” Dr. John J. Ross, a Harvard physician, writes that he stumbled into the field by accident while trying to enliven a lecture on syphilis with a few literary references. The discovery that Shakespeare was apparently obsessed with syphilis (and suspiciously familiar with its symptoms) hooked Dr. Ross.

The resulting collection of 10 medico-literary biographical sketches ranges from the tubercular Brontës, whose every moist cough is familiar to their fans, to figures like Nathaniel Hawthorne, whose medical stories are considerably less familiar.

Dr. Ross’s discussion of Shakespeare is unique in the collection for its paucity of relevant data: so few details are known of the playwright’s life, let alone his health, that all commentary is necessarily supposition. Dr. Ross is not the first to note that references to syphilis are “more abundant, intrusive and clinically exact” in Shakespeare’s works than those of his contemporaries. This observation, along with the apparent deterioration of Shakespeare’s handwriting in his last years, leads to the hypothesis that Shakespeare had syphilis repeatedly as a young man, and wound up suffering more from treatment than disease.

The Elizabethans dosed syphilis with a combination of hot baths (treating the disease by raising body temperature endured into the 20th century), cathartics and lavish quantities of mercury. The drooling that accompanies mercury poisoning was considered a sign of excellent therapeutic progress, Dr. Ross writes: “Savvy physicians adjusted the mercury dose to produce three pints of saliva a day for two weeks.”

And so, when Shakespeare signed his will a month before he died with a shaky hand, was his tremor not possibly a sign of residual nerve damage from the mercury doses of his sybaritic youth? No amount of scholarship is likely to confirm this theory, but details of the argument are gripping and instructive nonetheless.

The story of the blind poet John Milton runs for a while along similar lines. Much is known about the long deterioration of Milton’s vision and other particulars of his delicate health, but Dr. Ross observes that many of his problems seem to have cleared up once he actually became blind. Was he vigorously medicating himself with lead-based nostrums in hopes of forestalling what Dr. Ross argues was probably progressive retinal detachment, then recovering from lead poisoning once his vision was irretrievably gone? Another intriguing if unanswerable question.

Just as the competing injuries of disease and treatment battered the luminaries of English and American literature, so did pervasive mental illness.

Jonathan Swift was a classic obsessive-compulsive long before he succumbed to frontotemporal dementia (Pick’s disease). Poor Hawthorne, so forceful on the page, was in person a tortured shrinking violet, the embodiment of social phobia and depression. Emily Brontë’s behavior was strongly suggestive of Asperger syndrome; Herman Melville was clearly bipolar; Ezra Pound was just nuts.

Yet they all wrote on, despite continual psychic and physical torments. Perhaps the thickest medical chart of all belongs to Jack London, who survived several dramatic episodes of scurvy while prospecting in the Klondike (he was treated with raw potatoes, a can of tomatoes and a single lemon), then accumulated a long list of other medical problems before killing himself (inadvertently, Dr. Ross argues) with an overdose of morphine from his personal and very capacious medicine chest.

Dr. Ross has not written a perfect book. The fictionalized scenes he creates between some of his subjects and their medical providers should all have been excised by a kindly editorial hand, which might also have addressed more than a few grammatical errors. Frequent leaps from descriptive to didactic mode as Dr. Ross updates the reader on various medical conditions can be jarring, like PowerPoint slides suddenly deployed in a poetry reading. True literary scholars might dismiss the book as lit crit lite, a hodgepodge of known facts culled from the usual secondary sources.

But all these caveats fade into the background when Dr. Ross hits his narrative stride, as he does in chapter after chapter. Then the stories of the wounded storytellers unfold smoothly on the page, as mesmerizing as any they themselves might have told, those squinting, wheezing, arthritic, infected, demented, defective yet superlative examples of the human condition.

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Holiday sales continue to soar on Cyber Monday

Web shopping soared on Cyber Monday, continuing a strong start to the holiday season.

Online sales were up 26.6 percent from last year by Monday evening, according to IBM Digital Analytics Benchmark, which tracks data from 500 retail sites. ComScore meanwhile, expected online sales to hit a record of about $1.5 billion by day's end.

Cyber Monday has become the biggest online shopping day in recent years as employees head back to the office but continue to cybershop for holiday gifts. The growth of smartphones and tablets has only increased that ability, an opportunity Web retailers have been eager to exploit.

This year, retailers aggressively pushed "Pre-Black Friday" promotions and flooded consumers with emails touting good deals in the days before Thanksgiving. As a result, the big shopping days of Thanksgiving, Black Friday and Cyber Monday have blurred into a sale-laden week.

Some retail analysts had worried that strong online sales growth on Thanksgiving Day and Black Friday would entice shoppers to buy earlier, threatening revenue later in the season.

"So far, that is not the case," said Jay Henderson, the strategy director for IBM Smarter Commerce. "Extending the shopping season has really just fueled additional online spending rather than cannibalizing days later in the season."

Sales across Amazon.com, the largest online retailer, had risen 52 percent from the previous year by midmorning Monday, according to ChannelAdvisor, which offers services to third-party sellers on e-commerce sites. Meanwhile, eBay sales volume increased 57 percent, the firm said.

The average online order size on Cyber Monday was $130.30. That was down from almost $200 during the whole of Cyber Monday last year, according to IBM.

But Monday's discounts on the websites of bricks -and-mortar retailers weren't necessarily as broad or as deep as consumers could find if they shopped in the days before, according to Michael Brim, founder of deal site BFAds.net. "We're not seeing across the board the lowest prices like we do on Black Friday or Thanksgiving," he said. "It's better than the average weekly sales, but it's not on the level of Black Friday … yet," he said.

Most retailers — about 97 percent — were expected to offer Cyber Monday deals this year, up from 90 percent last year, according to the National Retail Federation. That means good deals were there for the finding on sites that might not normally have sales, Brim said.

Laptops and apparel at specialty sites were popular items Monday, Brim said.

Amazon offered $30 off its 7-inch Kindle Fire tablet, which usually sells for $159. The deal was available only on Cyber Monday.

Hoffman Estates-based retailer Sears said it found that a number of its shoppers opted to buy online and pick up merchandise in the store, according to spokesman Tom Aiello, who declined to say whether online traffic increased Monday. Shoppers want "to save on shipping, or they want to touch it — and get it the same day and make sure they've got that gift in their hands," he said.

Tribune news services contributed.

crshropshire@tribune.com

Twitter @corilyns

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Pfleger points police to suspect in fatal stabbing

During an argument with his wife Wednesday, Demetrius Jackson allegedly stabbed to death a 55-year-old man who intervened, then called St. Sabina Catholic Church to pray with the Rev. Michael Pfleger.

Shortly after a Cook County judge ordered Jackson, 32, held without bond on Sunday on a charge of first-degree murder, Pfleger, reached by phone, recounted the conversation he had with Jackson on Friday, a day before he turned himself in.

"He told me the guy who he allegedly stabbed is his best friend," Pfleger said. "He said (the victim) punched him in the face. He told me he just reacted. He asked me to pray with him, and I prayed with him."

Jackson, who lives in Chicago's Roseland neighborhood, hung his head in Cook County Bond Court as a judge said he faced a murder charge in the death of William Terry of the 10300 block of South Forest Avenue.

Jackson and his wife were arguing in their home, also in the 10300 block of South Forest, Wednesday night when he allegedly grabbed a knife and threatened to kill her, prosecutors said. The wife fled to Terry's home and called 911, prosecutors said.

Before police arrived, Jackson's wife and Terry decided to walk back to Jackson's home. Still holding a knife, Jackson confronted the two outside and continued to berate his wife, authorities said. Terry stepped between them, "trying to calm" the defendant, Assistant State's Attorney Brad Dickey said. Terry fell to the ground, and Jackson leapt on top of him, stabbing him multiple times in front of several witnesses, authorities said.

"Terry was able to stagger to his home," Dickey said. Gasping for breath, he collapsed on his front porch. He was taken to Advocate Christ Medical Center in Oak Lawn shortly after 8 p.m. and pronounced dead, according to police. Other county officials said Terry lived in Riverdale.

Jackson, who appears to have no criminal record, worked with St. Sabina on the Safe Passage project, public defender Stephen Herczeg said. A Chicago Public Schools program, Safe Passage employs community members to help improve safety by standing guard along the routes children travel to schools.

When the two spoke, Pfleger encouraged Jackson to turn himself in to police.

"I told him, 'I'm not a court or a lawyer or a judge,'" Pfleger said. "I told him I wouldn't judge him. I just encouraged him to turn himself in and not run. A lot of times, people are afraid to go to the police directly. I said I would try to set it up."

When Jackson agreed, Pfleger said he called police at the Gresham District, telling them of Jackson's intentions.

As promised, Jackson showed up at a police station Friday morning and gave a video-taped confession, according to court documents.

"Thank God it worked," said Pfleger. "It's very sad. I feel bad about the man who got killed, too. It's a loss of two lives."

efmeyer@tribune.com

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“Rise of the Guardians” Barrier-Breaker: The First African-American to Direct a CG Animation Film

LOS ANGELES (TheWrap.com) – Peter Ramsey didn’t just have the pressure of making his feature directing debut on an $ 145 million tentpole film, he also had to deal with the expectations that came with being a barrier-breaker.

By sliding behind the camera on DreamWorks Animation‘s “Rise of the Guardians” Ramsey made history as the first African-American to helm a major CG animated film.

“Rise of the Guardians,” a sort of “Avengers” for the fairy-tale set, opened Wednesday. It tells the story of a group of mythological heroes like Santa Claus (voiced by Alec Baldwin), Jack Frost (Chris Pine) and the Easter Bunny (Hugh Jackman) who team up to prevent the Nightmare King (Jude Law) from plunging children around the world into a state of despair and hopelessness. The film is an adaptation of a popular series of children’s books by William Joyce.

Ramsey talked with TheWrap about the responsibility of being a role model, the need to inject a little darkness into children’s entertainment and the possibility of a “Guardians” sequel.

What does it mean to be the first African American to direct a CG movie on this scale?

I really wasn’t thinking, “Oh, I’m a pioneer” when I first got the project. It wasn’t until my mom and dad saw an article that mentioned that fact – and I saw that my dad had tears in his eyes – that it really snapped back to me and I realized this is kind of a big deal. That’s the way it is any time some hurdle falls away.

I grew up in South-Central L.A. at a time before there was Spike Lee or John Singleton, so there was really no conception that I could make films. It’s super fulfilling that kids growing up like I did can now have it permanently in mind that it’s a possibility for them.

What films inspired your approach to the film?

I always knew that I wanted to make a fun, action-packed, big, epic fantasy movie rather than a quaint little fairy tale. So I thought of “Star Wars” and “Harry Potter,” where there were big ensemble casts. But stylistically I also thought of Michael Powell’s “Black Narcissus.” I really wanted Santa’s world to have the same dreamlike feel with bold, striking visuals.

There are some really dark elements in the film. Were you worried about it becoming too scary?

It’s important that we acknowledge the existence of some darkness in the world. Part of the point of the film is to say that these characters are real because kids believe in them, that kids know fear, too. We didn’t want to present a world that was free of the shadow that the Guardians fight, because they are using imagination to combat fear and hopelessness.

What drew you to the material?

For me, it was just hearing about Bill Joyce’s notion that all these characters are real and knew each other and had a common purpose.

It seemed like it had this epic fantasy, “Lord of the Rings” potential.

And when I started looking at what Bill had done, I was blown away. The mythologies are so wild and ornate. It’s an entirely new universe, and our movie just scratches the surface. We just started to go down the rabbit hole.

I’m beginning to smell “franchise.” Would you want to direct the sequels?

Yeah, I would love to. I’ve fallen in love with the characters. I feel like there’s plenty of fertile ground for more good stories. There’s more opportunities to push it further. I almost wish I could do the first feature again, to do it more justice.

You are self-taught, no? You came into this industry not as a director, but as a storyboard artist, is that correct?

Yeah, I am. It’s the old thing about how do you get to Carnegie Hall? Practice, practice, practice. I’ve been drawing ever since I was 3. But I wanted to be a comic-book artist, and it was not until quite a bit later that I realized I could work in the movie business.

I stumbled into story boarding through a lucky confluence of things. I realized the work I was doing for comics was similar to helping directors visualize a story. I took maybe a couple of film history classes in college, but I couldn’t afford to make films in film school. I needed to get in on the fringes of the industry to get the on the job training I needed to become a director.

Did you have a favorite Guardian?

If I had to say one, it would be North. It was great to give him a real presence, and casting Alec did a lot to help that. It was slightly unexpected, but it feels so right. I would just love to hang out with that guy and it helps that he reminds me of Guillermo del Toro.

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Agency Investigates Deaths and Injuries Associated With Bed Rails

Thomas Patterson for The New York Times

Gloria Black’s mother died in her bed at a care facility.

In November 2006, when Clara Marshall began suffering from the effects of dementia, her family moved her into the Waterford at Fairway Village, an assisted living home in Vancouver, Wash. The facility offered round-the-clock care for Ms. Marshall, who had wandered away from home several times. Her husband Dan, 80 years old at the time, felt he could no longer care for her alone.

Thomas Patterson for The New York Times

Gloria Black, visiting her mother’s grave in Portland, Ore. She has documented hundreds of deaths associated with bed rails and said families should be informed of their possible risks.

But just five months into her stay, Ms. Marshall, 81, was found dead in her room apparently strangled after getting her neck caught in side rails used to prevent her from rolling out of bed.

After Ms. Marshall’s death, her daughter Gloria Black, who lives in Portland, Ore., began writing to the Consumer Product Safety Commission and the Food and Drug Administration. What she discovered was that both agencies had known for more than a decade about deaths from bed rails but had done little to crack down on the companies that make them. Ms. Black conducted her own research and exchanged letters with local and state officials. Finally, a letter she wrote in 2010 to the federal consumer safety commission helped prompt a review of bed rail deaths.

Ms. Black applauds the decision to study the issue. “But I wish it was done years ago,” she said. “Maybe my mother would still be alive.” Now the government is studying a problem it has known about for years.

Data compiled by the consumer agency from death certificates and hospital emergency room visits from 2003 through May 2012 shows that 150 mostly older adults died after they became trapped in bed rails. Over nearly the same time period, 36,000 mostly older adults — about 4,000 a year — were treated in emergency rooms with bed rail injuries. Officials at the F.D.A. and the commission said the data probably understated the problem since bed rails are not always listed as a cause of death by nursing homes and coroners, or as a cause of injury by emergency room doctors.

Experts who have studied the deaths say they are avoidable. While the F.D.A. issued safety warnings about the devices in 1995, it shied away from requiring manufacturers to put safety labels on them because of industry resistance and because the mood in Congress then was for less regulation. Instead only “voluntary guidelines” were adopted in 2006.

More warnings are needed, experts say, but there is a technical question over which regulator is responsible for some bed rails. Are they medical devices under the purview of the F.D.A., or are they consumer products regulated by the commission?

“This is an entirely preventable problem,” said Dr. Steven Miles, a professor at the Center for Bioethics at the University of Minnesota, who first alerted federal regulators to deaths involving bed rails in 1995. The government at the time declined to recall any bed rails and opted instead for a safety alert to nursing homes and home health care agencies.

Forcing the industry to improve designs and replace older models could have potentially cost bed rail makers and health care facilities hundreds of million of dollars, said Larry Kessler, a former F.D.A. official who headed its medical device office. “Quite frankly, none of the bed rails in use at that time would have passed the suggested design standards in the guidelines if we had made them mandatory,” he said. No analysis has been done to determine how much it would cost the manufacturers to reduce the hazards.

Bed rails are metal bars used on hospital beds and in home care to assist patients in pulling themselves up or helping them out of bed. They can also prevent people from rolling out of bed. But sometimes patients — particularly those suffering from Alzheimer’s — can get confused and trapped between a bed rail and a mattress, which can lead to serious injury or even death.

While the use of the devices by hospitals and nursing homes has declined as professional caregivers have grown aware of the dangers, experts say dozens of older adults continue to die each year as more rails are used in home care and many health care facilities continue to use older rail models.

Since those first warnings in 1995, about 550 bed rail-related deaths have occurred, a review by The New York Times of F.D.A. data, lawsuits, state nursing home inspection reports and interviews, found. Last year alone, the F.D.A. data shows, 27 people died.

As deaths continued after the F.D.A. warning, a working group put together in 1999 and made up of medical device makers, researchers, patient advocates and F.D.A. officials considered requiring bed rail makers to add warning labels.

But the F.D.A. decided against it after manufacturers resisted, citing legal issues. The agency said added cost to small manufacturers and difficulties of getting regulations through layers of government approval, were factors against tougher standards, according to a meeting log of the group in 2000 and interviews.

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Black Friday sales online top $1 billion for first time

SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) - Black Friday retail sales online this year topped $1 billion for the first time ever as more consumers used the Internet do their early holiday shopping, comScore Inc said on Sunday.

Online sales jumped 26 percent on Black Friday to $1.04 billion from sales of $816 million on the corresponding day last year, according to comScore data.

Amazon.com was the most-visited retail website on Black Friday, and it also posted the highest year-over-year visitor growth rate among the top five retailers. Wal-Mart Stores Inc's website was second, followed by sites run by Best Buy Co., Target Corp. and Apple Inc, comScore noted.

Digital content and subscriptions, including e-books, digital music and video, was the fastest-growing retail category online, with sales up 29 percent versus Black Friday last year, according to comScore data.

E-commerce accounts for less than 10 percent of consumer spending in the United States. However, it is growing much faster than bricks-and-mortar retail as shoppers are lured by low prices, convenience, faster shipping and wide selection.

ShopperTrak, which counts foot traffic in physical retail stores, estimated Black Friday sales at $11.2 billion, down 1.8 percent from the same day last year.

"Online has been around 9 percent of total holiday sales, but it could breach 10 percent for the first time this season," said Scot Wingo, chief executive of ChannelAdvisor, which helps merchants sell more on websites, including Amazon.com and eBay.com.

ComScore expects online retail spending to rise 17 percent to $43.4 billion through the whole holiday season. That is above the 15 percent increase last season and ahead of the retail industry's expectation for a 4.1 percent increase in overall spending this holiday.

CYBER MONDAY OUTLOOK

It's not clear yet whether strong Black Friday sales online will weaken growth on Cyber Monday, which has been the biggest e-commerce day in the United States in recent years.

"Cyber Monday will be a big day, but not as much of a big day as it has been in the past," said Mia Shernoff, executive vice president for Chase Paymentech, a payment-processing unit of J.P. Morgan Chase & Co.. "Faster broadband Internet connections in the office used to drive this. But now many consumers have faster connections at home and smart phones and tablets - they don't have to wait."

ComScore Chairman Gian Fulgoni said Cyber Monday online sales may reach $1.5 billion this year. That would be up 20 percent from the corresponding day last year - slower year-over-year growth than Thanksgiving and Black Friday.

More than 129 million Americans plan to shop online on Cyber Monday, up from almost 123 million on the same day last year, according to a survey conducted in recent days for the National Retail Federation.

The group also expects 85 percent of retailers to have a special promotion for Cyber Monday.

Amazon, the world's largest Internet retailer, will launch Cyber Monday deals at midnight on Sunday. The company is planning a limited time Cyber Monday promotion for its 7 inch Kindle Fire tablet, offering it at $129 instead of the regular $159, a spokesman said on Sunday.

MOBILE SHOPPING GROWTH

A big source of online shopping growth this holiday season has come from increased use of smart phones, which let people buy online even when they are in physical stores, and by tablet computers, which have spurred more online shopping in the evenings, Wingo and others said.

Mobile devices accounted for 26 percent of visits to retail websites and 16 percent of purchases on Black Friday. That was up from 18.1 percent and 10.3 percent, respectively, on the same day last year, according to International Business Machines, which analyzes online traffic and transactions from 500 U.S. retailers.

More than 20 million shoppers plan to use mobile devices on Cyber Monday, up from 17.8 million a year ago, the NRF said.

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No. 1 Notre Dame beats USC 22-13 to finish season 12-0

LOS ANGELES — Deliverance arrived on a crisp southern California night, welcomed in a frenzy of arms thrust in the air and throats cleared by cathartic screams. Notre Dame waited decades for this, all right, the end to the interminable search for its long-lost promise. It just needed to climb to the top of college football to find it.

The Irish will play for a national championship in January, inextricably No. 1 and impossibly 12-0 after a 22-13 victory over USC before 93,607 witnesses on Saturday night at the Los Angeles Coliseum, a sparkling moment of rapture in the City of Angels.

Whether Notre Dame is back may be of little import now. The Irish have arrived.

They did so not with a thunderclap against a reeling archrival.

It was a grinding, imperfect but relentless effort, and maybe there couldn't be any other way. Everett Golson, the redshirt freshman quarterback, cramped up but cut loose for 217 yards passing. Theo Riddick, the senior, stampeded to 146 yards and a score.

And the Heisman hopeful, Manti Te'o, picked off another pass and helped spearhead another adrenalized goal-line stand in the fourth quarter that stomped out USC's last hope and created a save-the-date for Jan. 7. There, Notre Dame will play in the BCS title game against the winner of the SEC championship.

One game, now, to look upon everyone else as national champions for the first time since 1988.

Notre Dame had USC where it wanted the Trojans early, on-heels and tested, on the spot to demonstrate any mettle or desire at the end of a season gone wrong and going nowhere.

The Irish thundered to a 10-0 first-quarter lead that could have been more but for the usual sputtering around in the red zone. First came a Kyle Brindza 27-yard field goal, then a Riddick 9-yard touchdown run after a 12-play drive. If this was the last hurdle to the BCS title game, it appeared knee-high.

Then USC showed it could be resolute, swiftly moving to an 11-yard Robert Woods touchdown reception to create some drama. After the teams both added field goals, USC's first mistake allowed Notre Dame to re-extend its lead at the break.

A Max Wittek interception returned the ball to Notre Dame with 85 seconds left in the first half, and Brindza was able to come on for a 52-yard attempt he pushed through with no time left, making it a 16-10 lead at intermission.

One chance to blow open the game came and went after intermission: Te'o's seventh interception set up the Irish offense, but the Irish offense couldn't hit paydirt and then Brindza sent a 34-yard field goal wide left.

Brindza hit a 33-yarder late in the third quarter that extended the lead to 19-10, and then Notre Dame watched in glee as USC coach Lane Kiffin exacted a bit of self-torture. Kiffin called a timeout just before a snap that resulted in an apparent Trojans touchdown, wiping out the score, and a post-timeout pass sailed incomplete.

Brindza pushed the lead to 22-13 with just less than six minutes left — a crucial two-score cushion. Crucial, because Marqise Lee's 53-yard catch on the next USC snap after a long kickoff return and two pass interference penalties set up a goal-to-go situation for the Trojans at the Irish 1.

And that set up the Irish defense for its signature moment. Three runs and an incomplete pass later, Notre Dame had made its stand, exploding off the sideline and into celebration.

The clock wound down. Te'o hopped up and down on the sideline, waiving a towel. The Notre Dame fans in attendance counted down the Coliseum clock, as if it was New Year's Eve. And then the celebration began, wild and joyous, for a date decades in the making. The Irish will play for a national title. They have arrived.

bchamilton@tribune.com

Twitter @ChiTribHamilton

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10 Adorable Animals Feeding Other Animals [VIDEOS]

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Review: “Liz & Dick” Is Bad, But You Knew That

NEW YORK (TheWrap.com) – Lifetime’s “Liz & Dick” is very bad, just as you knew it would be.

Let’s not pretend it ever had a shot at being decent. The decision to cast Lindsay Lohan as Oscar-winning screen legend Elizabeth Taylor told us right up front that the filmmakers were more interested in trashy publicity than quality. She isn’t good, but no one could be good with this dialogue.

On an online “Saturday Night Live” skit this week, Bobby Moynihan portrayed celebrity chef Guy Fieri responding to a New York Times review of his new Times Square restaurant, saying the paper shouldn’t have had high expectations.

“If you come in expecting Le Cirque, then you’re a le jerk,” he says.

That applies here, too. But “Liz & Dick” isn’t even good as junk food goes. It’s redundant and boring in a way no star could save.

It’s been suggested that the movie could at least be dopey fun, the stuff of drinking games. But that seems a perverse way to watch a movie about two people who, as portrayed here, were messy drunks. The only appropriate drinking game might be one where you take a shot of water every time you scream at the screen, “STOP DRINKING.”

Because the producers invested nearly all their energies in stunt casting, the only point of interest is how Lohan looks and sounds as Taylor. Though she often looks lovely – nice to see after her years of battling drugs and alcohol – Lohan doesn’t look like Taylor, just like someone wearing knockoffs of her clothes and diamonds. She also doesn’t sound like her, or seem to be making any attempt to.

Taylor and Richard Burton (Grant Bowler) meet cute while making “Cleopatra” together and quickly fall into a dull cycle of making out, breaking up, drinking too much, fleeing the paparazzi, and conniving to make movies together. This takes up the middle hour or so of the two-hour movie, and requires that the last 15 minutes be stuffed with an absurd number of events, including (spoiler alert) a cancer scare, a remarriage, and a death.

It’s impossible to feel any emotional connection with the characters, because, as portrayed here, they’re self-centered asses. It doesn’t help that the dialogue is awful, and that many scenes are less than 30 seconds long, which doesn’t allow us into the character’s heads. The scenes are strung together by sub-sitcom transitional music that at least tips us off to the disposability of the entire movie.

Lohan will probably make the case, somewhere down the line, that her flat, vacant line readings were a campy attempt to distance herself from the film’s many bad lines. One of the worst comes when Taylor’s mother notes her tendency to get married a lot.

Mom: “Not that I’m counting, but if I’m not mistaken you’ve just ended, what, you’re fourth marriage?”

Liz: “Who’s counting?”

Well, not her mother, since she just said… never mind.

Bowler is better, handling his lines with the professionalism of a good soaps actor. At one point he gets to call Liz a “harridan” in an amusing Welsh accent. But he has none of Burton’s gravity or grit. He may also be too generically handsome for the role, no surprise in a movie with no pretensions of depth.

Lohan’s costumery is especially silly near the end, when her hair has grey streaks but she still looks far too young to play a woman in her sixties. We’re also told throughout the movie how fat Liz and Dick are getting – usually by Liz and Dick themselves – but we have to pretend to see it, since the actors who play them remain trim.

Perhaps because of her own awful relationship with the press, Lohan seems unwilling to let herself appear vulnerable. It’s become a major impediment to her performances.

Her idol, Marilyn Monroe, continued to study acting well into her stardom, and turned in some very good performances as a result. Lohan might want to imitate Monroe’s interest in her craft, rather than just dressing like her for magazine spreads.

It’s too late for her to do more than dress like Taylor.

TV News Headlines – Yahoo! News

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